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 If you love or have loved an addict you know how selfish they are.  Everything has to do with them and no matter how much you give, they will always want more, need more.  They will drain you financially, physically, and emotionally.  They are too busy thinking of ways to get what they want when they want it.  Oh they may tell you they are sorry, but they aren’t.  Telling you is a ploy to get what they want from you.  They will say or do anything.

So where does that leave you?  It leaves you fending for yourself and building a life of your own.  It leaves you needing help from a 12-step program and/or professional counseling.  It means it is past time you start taking care of yourself.  Yes, it sounds tough but then that is what “tough love is”.  You cut the addict off and stand by your decision.  Make them responsible for themselves and their actions.

   Don’t get me wrong, you probably still love them and may even remain married to them, but you don’t help them keep living the type of life they have been living.  And you don’t have to be living the roller coaster life either.  Go to 12-step meetings, meet new people who understand what you are going through.  Take classes at your local community center, take crafting or art classes, join walking or jogging clubs. Make up your mind you are going to have a “me” day.  Have your hair done, go to a spa, or pack up a picnic and invite a friend to go to the park.  Pretty soon your calendar will be so full that you aren’t so affected by the addict.  In fact, you may decide you don’t want to be married to the addict anymore.  You may want to divorce and start a new life with someone new.

It takes a lot of soul searching and strength to face your own shortcomings but it's the only way to go forward.  One day you will see just how sick you were living with an addict.  Your thinking has become distorted, your feelings are running amuck, and it takes time and work to know what steps to take next.  There are a lot of support groups all across the nation.  And yes, it is a bit frightening to walk in amongst strangers but they can help you faster than you could ever do on your own.  They will be more than happy to help someone who really wants help.  And where can you find anyone who understands better than those who have gone through exactly what you have gone through?  They've been there and they are in all stages of recovery.

   Support groups are a great place to be able to say anything and not be thought of as crazy or a real mess.  They want to listen to you where many times friends and family don't understand no matter how well you try to explain.

   A codependent helps the addict stay an addict.  We cover up for them with their friends, family, and boss which gives them the opportunity to keep acting in an irresponsible way.  We think we are helping them.  If we didn't cover up for them they may lose their job and then what would we do.  But the truth is the job isn't as important as the addict getting well.  Nothing is more important than that.  They can't be a good person, a good spouse, or a good employee until they get their addiction under control.  Don't help them continue their bad behavior.

Whether your loved one gets help or not, you need help.  You can't help someone else if you are messed up too.  You hinder your recovery and theirs.  When your addict sees you are taking care of yourself and ignoring their addiction, they will see changes in you and possibly follow suit.  They will realize you are becoming stronger and not a push over anymore.

   If you have children make sure they get counseling too.  You can bet they have just about as many problems as you do and need to talk out their problems with someone who will listen and not judge anything they say.  Most children of addicts act out or become addicts themselves.  After all, children repeat what they have been taught.

   Bookstores and libraries are full of books on codependency.  You will be shocked as you read and come across one statement after another that describes exactly what you have been going through with your addict and just how it makes you feel.  

The bottom line is.....you have to take care of yourself first.  Get help.  You will be so glad you did.  It's great to get off the merry-go-round and start living a wonderful life again.

 And when is helping someone who has an addiction not the right thing to do?  It is when you make excuses for them.  Tough love is what is needed.  Get help for yourself to understand their addiction and try to get the person with an addiction to go for help.  You are responsible for yourself and what you do and say.  Work on yourself.    Seek guidance from professionals and 12 step meetings.  Then you will be able to cope with whatever happens in a rational manner.

   If you love or have loved an addict you know how selfish they are.  Everything has to do with them and no matter how much you give, they will always want more, need more.  They will drain you financially, physically, and emotionally.

   If you think the addict is feeling guilty, you are wrong.  In fact, they don’t think about you at all.  They are too busy thinking of ways to get what they want when they want it.  Oh they may tell you they are sorry, but they aren’t.  Telling you is a ploy to get what they want from you.  They will say or do anything.

   So where does that leave you?  It leaves you fending for yourself and building a life of your own.  It leaves you needing help from a 12-step program and/or professional counseling.  It means it is past time you start taking care of yourself.  Yes, it sounds tough but then that is what “tough love is”.  You cut the addict off and stand by your decision.  Make them responsible for themselves and their actions.